By the Time You Read This, I’m Already Dead

screaminggirl

When I arrived, people were being taken out on stretchers. Some were already dead. Women were fainting and children were crying. Grown men were falling to their knees. What is going on?? I thought. What the hell is happening? I walked around and at first could find no evidence of the source. Ambulances darted left and right, picking up people as fast as they could but they were still too late. Some people cried out. Others just moaned. One red-faced woman was madly fanning her husband, whose arched back was slung achingly over a curb. It hurt to look at him. He was unconscious. A group of small children were just staring, their eyes wide as moons. I turned to follow their gaze and that’s when I finally saw it. Nothing on earth could match my astonishment. It hurt to even look at it, yet you could not avert your eyes. So this is it! Finally, it was revealed to me what could be causing such a stir, such a flap, such an epidemic of unprecedented proportions. I  twisted my neck further and further back to get a better glimpse of it. Then I regretted looking at it. Because what I was beholding was a creature who was absolutely, deathly, irresponsibly cute and it was a cat. The reason for all the mayhem, for all the death and fainting, was his utter CUTENESS. No being, no creature, no entity on earth before him had reached these levels of cuteness.  I heard a bang behind me. But I could not take my eyes off him to look at the accident. He was just too cute. I was held hypnotized in the grip of his adorable-ness.

I heard more people screaming and being shuttled away by ambulance. I shuddered at the thought of them—it was hard to tell who was dead, who was alive. For who could survive this level of cuteness? It boggled the mind. It was more than any human could comprehend. It was like 40 mushroom trips at once. Who could withstand the extremely adorable face of this cat? He was the cutest cat on earth and his cuteness was taking its toll. This was serious shit. Every human was powerless before him. Hell, he had become a god in his cuteness. He had a power over the populace that no other animal had ever had before him, just by virtue of his cuteness. He was, literally, the cutest cat in the universe.

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